Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don't stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just start...
And not in a 'it's a new year, new me' let's make a resolution and start tomorrow or the next day kind of thing because seriously every year I look back I think, shit, I've got two days to get skinny and un-drink 1001 bottles of wine. I'm talking about the things you can start. Now.
For most of my life I ignored the signs and lessons that the universe was trying to deliver, and denial became my best friend. Oh, them and there were those excuses that I made for myself and others. I made out with them all day, every day, I was such as slut back then. I didn't have any dreams either. Well maybe when I slept, but not that I remember. I was too busy trying to block out the nightmares and make everybody else around me happy because that makes you a good person and everybody love you, right? Let me tell you ignorance is not bliss, and everyday I woke up, and thought, is this really how the rest of my life is going to be. My life was a mess, and I was it's mirror. I was so disillusioned that I even thought Walt Disney was an asshole. How could he make all these fairy tale movies that I would watch as a little girl, only for life to have no happy ever after or now moments? Well Tim Burton must of had a crystal ball or script based on a good book, because Alice had to fall down a pretty dark hole before she got to Wonderland. And so did I, which is why I started again, and here I am. Today.
They say we all have two lives. The second one starts when we realise we only have one. So when I got my second chance, I began again and it was a journey of rediscovery and transformation. Firstly I had to forgive myself and others. Hate is horrendous, and it's like giving up a smoking addiction that you do not want to quit. Even though you know if you continue to inhale and exhale the bullshit, it is only ever going to ultimately hurt you.
The process of forgiveness was what actually set me free, because eventually I thought to myself who the fuck IS perfect? We all make mistakes. We have all been hurt. Sometimes you just need to pick up the pieces and move on. I let go of everything that no longer served me. Bad habits, acquaintances, friendships and relationships with bad asses who weren't really that bad ass - just bad.
As I shed these layers, I started to focus on me and practice gratitude for all the things I did have. I began developing a list of things I wanted to manifest, and work towards. I wanted to travel, I wanted to volunteer and be of service, I wanted to write and create something that made a difference in people's lives, I wanted a career that I was passionate about and did more than just pay the bills, I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to become a mother and I wanted to be the best version of myself I could be for my family and friends, and above all, for me.
It started with a wall. In my donga in the middle of nowhere that just had a bed, desk, shower and toilet, and it was covered in everything that I had, that made me glad to feel alive, and that yes, I was actually truly blessed in every moment. It was also covered in everything I wanted to manifest, and would be the first and last thing I would look at when I went to sleep to dream, and wake up to remind me to make it my reality.
Travel the world and volunteer I did. I began writing and shared for all to see. I began Matters Speaking with my sister. I fell in love with the love of my life. I am trying to fall pregnant ATM which is fun. And I am really happy with my own reflection and who I surround myself with.
And let me tell you...it was the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do. I basically started to do everything I had never done in my late 20's when I was 'supposed' to have my shit well and truly sorted (which is bullshit by the way). I had to stare fear in the face, body trembling, dodge that bitch and keep going. I had to be 100% honest with myself. Sometimes it's hard to be honest though and easier to lie, because boy can the truth hurt. I broke up with denial but suddenly there was this new guy hanging around called doubt who I had to deal with. He was the biggest bastard of them all.
Single ladies, listen up, I even refrained from being intimate for two whole years! Not that their weren't opportunities too, but I just didn't want to settle, again. It was lonely and I was horny as hell (as Jack ie me with a penis would say) but you know what? Instead I focused on doing what I wanted, when I wanted and did just that until I met the love of my life. When he finally showed up, I wanted to say 'Well where the hell have you been? If I had of known you were coming all along, I just would have been doing what I want, when I want loving life for the last 31 years'. But I kissed him instead. I swear it took my 29 years of banging my head against a brick wall to knock down the Great Wall of China in my mind for me to realise I didn't need anybody else to make me happy, and that I was ultimately responsible for my own happiness.
Matters Speaking was a vision that took two years too share, whilst my sister and I were working 70 hours a week in an isolated place we didn't want to be to finance it, and using whatever time and love we had left to create it. While I am having fun now trying to make babies, it wasn't so fun when we lost the baby we made. But I don't give up that easily and I have learnt that while I have been working hard and manifesting like a mofo the universe will deliver in its own divine timing, and always when you least expect it. It likes to test, then reward you when you move with its flow. Trust me, I took a long time to work this shit out, so don't waste yours trying to do the same unless you got 30 something years up your sleeve. Take good advice whenever and where ever you can get it. There were so many tears and times where I felt like giving up because truthfully, it would have been easier to do, well just, nothing. But I had come to far from when I started to ever go back.
And you know what? All of it has been worth it because when you start doing things you have never done before, it leads to you living a life you love. You keep going because slowly but surely the fears become strength, the doubts become confidence, the challenges become rewards, the dreams become reality, that haters fade away, the lovers surround you, and you become the master of your reality so that the universe can show you your destiny. And so it will continue as you constantly learn, grow and evolve for every day that you make matter.
Is there someone you need to forgive?
Is there anything you need to let go of?
Is there something you want to do with your one precious life?
Just START! We know you can! Step out of your comfort zone and make shit happen. The world is not out to get you, it is trying to teach you who your truly meant to be so that you can live a life that you love because ultimately what you think and what you do, is how your life will be.