It was five years ago that I began putting my experiences and emotions into words and revealing things to myself and others that I never thought I would have had the courage to share and speak on Jessica Speaking. It was a journey of self discovery as I began again after my world came crashing down.
The greatest thing about thinking you have lost everything, is that you feel like you have nothing left to lose. You realise who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. And that love even if it brings you to your knees, will be the only thing that makes you get up and walk again. Once you do, you run with it. So you never go back to that dark place again and so you can experience the light places you had only ever dreamt of.
I have experienced all kinds of love, and thankfully never the same love twice. One because I don't wish to experience some ever again, and mostly because the loves that keep my world going around are extrodinary and like no other.
I have experienced young heart break. Thought I knew it all and had it all. Aged sweet sixteen. Like in the movie Puberty Blues, puberty and my hormones let someone get the better of me. He was the good looking surfer who everybody wanted to be around. But in actual fact all he did was look good, smoke pot and give me a few bruises. For some reason everybody said how lucky I was to be with him. I know now that in actual fact he was lucky to have been with me. Had I believed that to begin with, then maybe I would not have put on a pair of rose coloured glasses, and lost that innocence of my heart that was intended to only feel and make beautiful things. They say if someone breaks your heart then punch them in the face and go get an ice cream. I say where you invest your love, you invest your life so we should always ask the question 'is this the life and love I truly desire and deserve before I say I do'. Or is it better to just go get an ice cream? Your heart is precious, and should never be treated like it is ordinary.
I have experienced the unhappy ending. Life is filled with lessons, and if we don't listen and learn from them, then life will repeat itself. In my next relationship that lasted amost a quarter of my life I was tormented of unrequited love where all I was doing was giving and getting nothing in return. I then looked for love by another means because all I ever wanted was just to be loved. Two wrongs will never make it right, and do not equal one. We were two different people who loved each other and thought we needed each other, but it was not enough.
With a shit load of baggage, a whole heap of heart break and feeling as though I had failed in love and life. I had to begin again. It was at rock bottom that I realised all the love I had searched for in all the wrong places was everything I already had, and I realised with time that sometimes not getting what you want in life turns out to be a wonderful stroke of luck.
Each day I began again, I started to focus on what mattered and for the first time in a long time I began to appreciate and see the incredible people in my life who I love and always will. My incredible family and true friends who had always loved me, and unconditionally. You know the ones, the ones who get you. They see through your false sense of bravado that is otherwise known as bullshit. They see through what others perceive you to be. They protect you when you are in need. They stand up for you when others set out to mistakenly hurt you. They bear your secrets and know your truth. They celebrate you for who you are and where you are, everyday. Their love has no boundaries and is never ending. They think you can do anything and everything. When you begin to appreciate and focus on that love, you actually do what they knew you always could. You search less, and just live and love more. I don't feel guilty about who I am and the choices I have made, but I promise never to take for granted love that is never faltering and always there, through ever high and low because I realise now, that it is a gift.
With the support of my loves love I decided to give the other love I had always sought elsewhere, to myself. I had always been a people pleaser, thinking I should always be something or do something, to be someone rather than be myself. Instead I embraced the things I wanted to stay, I set about changing the things that no longer served me and began to do all the things I had always wanted to. I decided to be the best version of me for myself and the people who do and have always mattered. Because all they ever really wanted for me was to be happy, and all I ever wanted was to be happy to.
So I worked hard, stayed focused and gathered some dollars and sense before I quit my job, bough a ticket and decided to travel the world. It was then I stopped writing because I decided to live life rather than contemplate it and leave the past where it belonged.
The moment you think you know it all, life will teach you that you are still learning and always will. And that love is the only thing that makes life worth while.
One thing I left behind was a very special human that came into my life when I was on mission me. Before he headed on his own adventure to Canada and me on my mine, we shared a friendship together that lead to stolen kisses, secret sleeps overs and a mutual love that we felt far before we were ready to say 'you'. When we said goodbye I wanted to run to the airport to tell him to take me with him and that we could do it together. I was scared of him leaving in case it would never be the same again. But instead I shed some tears, smoked some cigarettes, drank some bourbon, packed my room to leave on my own journey and said to myself what will be will be. It was the first time I had actually believed these words. And had I not believed them, or acted in another way then my story would not be happily ever after. Despite meeting the right person, I had to do something I had never done before. I put myself first and did what I had always wanted to do and that which was calling me. In order to appreciate and embrace love, first we must love ourselves. I also learnt another valuable lesson that love is the only passion in this world, which includes the dreams of others.
Travelling introduced me to countries and people that blew my eyes, heart and mind wide open. I am grateful for the places I have been and am yet to travel, for the people I have met and am yet to meet. But what travelling did for me then, was make me appreciate my life and how fortunate I actually am. And what it was like to be missed and miss others, and that you can see and do all these amazing things in life but if you don't have anyone to share it with then really what is the point?
So I returned to my family and friends, and be with the one who has become the love of my life. I think you have to go through moments in life of hurt, loss and betrayal so you truly appreciate the moments of joy, love, pleasure and ecstasy.
The difference between when I left and returned, and when I began again and now it that I have the love to give and am ready to receive it without expectations. When it is right, it is worth waiting for. Being intimate with another and giving love does not always equal love in return. I decided to wait for a rainmaker and believe that for every one, there is another. My three year drought was lonely at times, but the love I had before could never rival what I have now, and cherish, because it is true, real and right. The love I give and receive with my one actually feels like magic. The way he looks at me, embraces me, accepts all of me and makes me feel as though there was no else meant for him but me. It's not the big moments that everybody sees, but its the times he moves me like I have never been moved before. Like how he sighs when he touches me as though he needs me just as much as the air the breaths. It's the moments of reflection of when I am beside him that I think I would go through everything all over again just to be here right now with him. For he is the kind of love I knew existed and always felt missing, but never knew how to get there.
All these experiences in love have led me to know. Throughout them all, my greatest love has been by my side through it all. Without her, I would not be here or me. My sister and I share a love that runs deep and is beyond words. Our imperfections together make us perfect. I feel as though we were put together on this earth, to help and teach each other, and help others to get it how we live, or live til we get it.
My first blog on Jessica Speaking was titled sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me. I though it was bull shit and still do. Words used with hate, hurt. Words used with love, heal.
This is why I have begun to write again. And that is what Matters Speaking 'Words' is all about.
WARNING: all future blogs will not be so long, personal and heavy hearted. They will be however filled with everyday life bullshit and above all love.