I began writing for the days that I feel at a loss, because on the days I am winning I feel as though I am just living and loving life. I write on the days I am searching for answers, and to enlighten myself to make sense of the situations that life can bring us in the not-so-happily-right-now moments. And I share to help others in their own pursuit for happiness, and hope that in some way it makes a difference. You see people want the truth, but often it's hard to be honest.
My life might seem picture perfection to some yet the people who know me well and love me unconditionally know that it has been a roller coaster ride to get to now, and each day brings new triumphs and tests. I have overcome many barriers, some created by others and some by myself. But when I was given a second chance at life I began to climb a mountain that gradually grew less steep, and the higher I climbed the freer and happier I felt. Each time I was courageous and overcame a hurdle, I was given a gift.
When I felt as though there was no mountain too great, or one which I couldn't conquer for how far I had climbed, I was gifted the love of my life. The love we have, made a love bundle of joy. They say that life happens when you are busy making other plans. A baby was in our future but not in our now, but then this incredible gift decided to choose us and turned our lives together upside down, and around. Our baby was made with so much love, but at ten weeks we lost them. I am not going to lie. Sometimes life can feel like a cruel joke, a constant struggle between a scream of agony and pure joy. And while I appear to have it together, at the moment I am falling apart on the inside.
I am the master of giving of advice yet walk a tight rope of listening to my heart and to that of my ego. I am in that middle place of what is wrong and right. And at the moment I am lost there trying to find a way back to live what I know is my truth. So these are the things I have written and which I know are true, and which I need to remember in this moment. These are the things I will say to our baby that one day will be ours when we are holding it's hand through life's tests in faith, and for anyone that feels like they are losing or have lost something or someone which they love.
It is okay to feel shitty. Each day I battle with voices in my head telling me to stay positive, that everything happens for a reason, everything will get easier and better. The more I try though, the worse I feel. Right now I feel as though life is just not fair and that I can't shake this feeling of emptiness. Everywhere I look or listen feels as though people are talking about the very thing that I have lost, and don't have anymore. I even thought about deleting my Facebook for a little while until I found a video of Jay Z and Beyonce's On The Run final stage song where they sing Forever Young and Halo with footage of them and their daughter, Ivy Blue that I have on repeat. Because while sometimes I cry inconsolably while I watch it, it also gives me hope damn it! Whilst I haven't gotten to the stage where I want to steal small babies from prams, I often feel as though I am losing it, and always when I least expect it. The sorrow, the hurt, the anger and the loss. But it is feeling all of these emotions that allows me to grieve and realise that I am not losing it, I have just lost something which I loved. It's when I let out all of these emotions that I am able to continue so that lose does not define me, and the pain does not stop me. And begin to find joy again in the things I do still have, and believe in all the gifts that I am yet to receive which are still waiting for me.
Some days you win, some days you learn. When you lose something it brings up all the emotions for all the things you have ever lost, or you have been trying to bury. But I have learnt before and must use what I know now that pain, as much as it hurts, it also helps you grow. If you are willing to work through what is left then you have the opportunity to begin again. In a not-so-gentle way, it changes you. It makes you realise what and who truly matters, the things you have and want in your life, and when you are ready to begin again you take and make those changes to build the life and love you desire and deserve.
Be gentle with yourself. When our baby first appeared as a blue line on a stick I was worried if we were ready to change our life in an instant, how we were going to turn our suitcases into a home and where that home was going to be. I questioned whether we had enough money to give us the lives we both wanted and one which our baby deserved but none of it matters now, and it didn't back then. I didn't truly appreciate the gift of that moment, for I only worried about the things that didn't matter. We had enough, we were enough and that love is the only thing that truly matters in life. If you trust in that every day and have faith regardless of any situation that occurs, and fears that arise then everything will be okay. Somehow, someway.
Surround yourself only with people who lift you higher. In this time of change you will know and rediscover who these people are. You may also learn that some people who you thought would be there aren't and that your acquaintances will ever only be just that. Remember, the world and these people didn't change over night, but maybe you have. When you lose something in life, sometimes we cling onto everything else so we don't lose anything else. But let it all go so that there will be space left in your heart for more people to enter your life who will only lift you higher and be with the people who always have for they will make the good times last longer, and the bad times bearable until the good times come again. Never forget that you were made with love, brought here to love and only be loved in returned.
They say patience is a virtue but I believe it's a necessity for life just like the air we breathe, because in life we can't have everything all at once, as it leaves nothing left. I have questioned whether or not I will ever find my true love, true joy and true happiness or wondered if I would heal from my hurts. But time has shown me that with patience, with strength and with faith that just like when you lose something in an instant, something can also enter your life in an instant, and all good things are worth waiting for just like my baby's Daddy was, and the baby we will have is.
I won't say in moments of true devastation and loss that everything happens for a reason as there is some things in life I will never be able to justify but believe me when I say that you will find happiness and love again when you let go and keep going. For what we love never truly leaves us, and what is meant for us will not pass us.
Sometimes in life lovers also need to be warriors. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly devastated you are. Take steps. Take enough of them, so that suddenly you are somewhere. You will never know your strength until you need it, and you will never appreciate your gifts until you have lost something. In the words of Maya Angelou just always have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time. For where there is love, there is light.